Family Gratitude Journal

We live in an age of consumption, where most people are in constant pursuit of more, better, different.  We are obsessed with the future and the next best thing.  My family gets caught up in consumption just like so many other families.  I am always trying to create moments where we can pause, get off of the conveyor belt of consumption and just pause to appreciate what we already have and the life we already enjoy.  And I am not just talking about consumption as it relates to buying stuff, I am also talking about consumption as it relates to achievement, scheduling, status.  It often seems like we live in a society that is obsessed with collecting achievements, appointments, titles, and commitments.  My daughters have even begun to notice this in their little worlds.  I am interested in slowing down, exploring and paying attention to the beauty around me and trying to remind myself that more isn't always better.  When we are so busy trying to orchestrate "the good life", we forget that we already have a GREAT life. 

I just wanted to create a moment every Sunday, where we, as a family, took a moment to pause and journal our gratitude for the week.  I thought about doing a daily gratitude entry but realistically, a daily effort might be a recipe for failure and for minimizing the significance...making the gratitude journal more of a chore.  I decided a weekly entry was doable for everyone and would be a nice way to close out an old week and begin a new week.  There is no pressure to write a book or to be a poet or to even be eloquent or profound.  It is just a moment that we take on Sunday evenings to be consciously grateful. 

We began the Gratitude journal in the month of November as November is the designated month of thankfulness and it is sadly, also the season of consumption, but like so many, I think it's a missed opportunity to only focus on gratefulness and thankfulness for one month or one day of the year.  I hope to raise the level of gratitude in myself and in my family year-round.  I believe gratitude is the key to happiness.  If I want to raise kids who are happy, I must first raise gratitude in my family...every month of the year. 

So far, my family has embraced the gratitude journal and we are grateful for things like: volleyball, bouncy balls, relaxing days with nothing to do, garage sales, the beach, family, shelter, dogs, health, beautiful weather, and chalkboard paint. 

As you can see, there is nothing profound about raising gratitude.  it's the little things that we are most grateful for... Tis the season to be grateful for what you already have and the great life you already live.  Peace, love, and gratitude! 

Operation Give Back- 12 months, 12+ volunteer adventures

There comes a time when, as a parent, you realize...my kids are in great need of a gratitude check.   For our family and my kids, that time has arrived.  My children are like so many, they are good and kind and care about others but are still very detached from the idea that they have so much and so many have so little.  They are very tuned into their wants and needs and very detached from the idea that they are part of a community.  Also, like so many other children, my children want things...constantly.  One wants the same amount of cookies as the other child, the other doesn't feel that her sister should get to go on a playdate if she doesn't get to go on one. They want a certain kind of shoes and clothes from a certain store. They want the latest tech toy and sometimes they think they are the only kids in the world that have to do chores to earn allowance. They believe they need to see the newest movie, right when it comes out.  Again, my kids are amazing, they are generous, they are generally respectful, they are basically good kids. They don't throw tantrums or nag me persistently and I would never say that my children are spoiled rotten.  They just lack perspective. It's not as though I haven't tried. I don't indulge their every want or material desire. We donate clothes and toys quarterly. We don't bring new things into the house unless we are giving something away as well.  We donate food to food pantries regularly and have volunteered at food banks in the past. I have had countless discussions with them and shown them pictures and websites and we choose a charity for them to donate to each year.

However, I have grown tired of saying things like, "you have no idea how lucky you are...  There are kids in the world who are happy to have electricity, shelter, a healthy family, and you are crying about not having the same amount of ice cream in your bowl as your sister."  I am tired of telling them to appreciate our soldiers because they help to protect us.  I am tired of telling them to pick up trash when they see it because our beaches and nature are precious. I am just tired of telling them. So, I decided it is time to show them.  I am not ready to take them to a poverty stricken country...yet.  However, I am ready to make volunteering in our community a regular part of their lives.  I want them to see, up front and personal, that there are people who can't leave their homes, who don't have homes, who have sick children in hospitals for weeks on end, that our beaches are littered with trash, and the list goes on. We don't have to leave the country, let alone our community, to see that we are needed.  There are plenty of opportunities to give back right in our little piece of the world.  More than just seeing that there are people who have less than them, I want them to see how they can be a part of the community around them. I want to make giving back a regular part of their life, a part of who they become, and this is how Operation Give Back came to be.  Operation Give Back is just one experiment of several in my new experiment to raise gratitude in our girls and our home.

When I first told the girls about this experiment they were ecstatic. They expressed how much they missed volunteering at the food bank in Texas.  We moved from Texas to Florida and life got busy and so, regretfully, we have not done a whole lot of hands on volunteering this last year.  It was time and they were all for it.  They were also excited to get a jump start on earning service hours for college.  This is how they are trained to think at school.  My oldest is only in 6th grade but she has already been so programmed to look at everything from the perspective of "how will this help me get into a good college."  This is not what my goal was.  I explained this to her and she immediately understood.  We are not keeping track of our hours.  The only thing that we should hope to get out of this is a grounding perspective, and a full heart. The only thing we are going to keep track of is the faces, the smiles, the feelings of compassion and fulfillment and the satisfaction of a hard day's work without any expectation of receiving anything in return: we will be giving back and paying it forward.  And we will record the journey forever in our heart...and I will record it here.

We started this experiment in September but it has taken me a while to post about it.  I am finally getting around to it and this month of thankfulness and gratitude that was brought about by unlikely parties joining to create community for just a day seems like the perfect time to post about it.  Below, I posted pictures and a description of our September and October volunteering adventures.


September 2014
We started with a true community effort. We helped to rebuild a community garden in Dania Beach that had been destroyed by flooding.  We worked alongside the greatest people from all ages and walks of life. We worked hard and it was far from glamorous but it was fulfilling to see the mountain of compost soil diminish throughout the morning and see all of the rows of soil bags grow and to know that the community garden would thrive again.

September 2014: helped to build a community garden in Dania Beach



Shoveling compost and soil with a team of volunteers to bring a community garden to life.



 














October 2014
We spent an entire summer on the beach.  We walked passed countless pieces of trash.  We would leave beach events and see the litter thrown about.  We just left and went home. We picked up after ourselves, but what could we do about the mess that so many others decided to just leave? We left it, too. In October, I decided to take the girls to participate in a clean the beach day.  This was a harder volunteering adventure because it was tedious and it felt futile.  No matter how long we picked up trash, there was still more to be picked up.  We walked for miles and found bags full of trash.  Cigarette butts, bottle water caps, pieces of plastic that had been tossed around in the ocean for so long and had traveled so far that they were now morphed into something that almost looked like a shell or something that now belonged in the ocean.  We found little toys and dental floss picks, plastic bags and ball point pens.  It was a lesson in futility and responsibility that we will never forget.  The girls collected little treasures along the way but said they would rather shovel compost then pick up beach trash because at least it felt like you were getting somewhere, the mountain of compost can be conquered where beach trash is a never ending task. We felt humbled by this volunteering adventure. 



Cleaning Hollywood Beach

 
 

I was amazed at the endless amount of little pieces of trash I uncovered in the seaweed

 

It seemed like so much but we knew that it was really just a small spec of a fraction of how much trash there is on our beaches and in our ocean. Humbling.

Someone's beach trash is someone else's beach treasure.

This month, November, we are going to volunteer at a large community volunteer event where we will spend the day putting together Thanksgiving gifts for members of our military who are separated from their family, for the homeless, and for the elderly.  We will also be volunteering with Meals on Wheels on Thanksgiving Day.  I volunteered with Meals on Wheels years ago, and it made an everlasting impression on me.  I will never forget the woman who gently grabbed my hand and asked me to stay and eat with her.  I wasn't allowed to but I was allowed to hug her. In December, we signed up to volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House to create a magical movie night for hospitalized children and their families. I look forward to this experiment changing our perspectives and our lives forever.  I will post our adventures throughout the year.  Let the giving season begin.

Photo-FREE, Phone-LESS and LESS-Tech for 30 Days-In conclusion

Every experiment ends with a conclusion...

PART I: PHOTO-FREE

26 Groovebook albums at 100 pictures each, 1 Dropbox account, 1 8GB memory stick, and only 2 new pictures (approved by my little picture-taking police daughter), and I believe I have conquered my photo-hoarding obsession. I started out with far more than 2000+ digital photos I had claimed to have.  2000+ somehow sounds better than 3462 photos...doesn't it?  When I tried to justify my overgrown digital photo collection by saying, "well...it's two years worth of photos!", I received blank stares and it just felt wrong because this means I was taking over 100 photos a month, okay, 144.25 pictures a month to be exact.  Don't ask me how you take 144.25 pictures a month but I managed to do it.  Over the course of the last 30 days, I whittled those 3462 digital photos down to 2547, deleting 915 photos. 915!!!  If you are doing the math? that is a 26.4% reduction.  This is not the 33% I was aiming for but I grew weary and my deadline was closing in on me and I knew if I extended the deadline it could be an endless cycle and all the pictures started to look the same and I was so close to clicking on "select all" and pressing "delete". Instead, I chose to accept that this was truly the best I could do at this time.  I was spending 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there, deleting, deleting, deleting and feeling like I was getting nowhere.  So, I just decided that I had learned my lesson and began the task of sorting the 2542...2542 photos!!!  into folders to prepare for the next step...printing and downloading. Are you exhausted yet? because I am and I am having horrible flashbacks just thinking about this.

Printing: Why print?  Call me old-fashioned but I like to cozy up and flip through pictures and reminisce.  For this, I am so grateful for Groovebook. No, I do not work for Groovebook, nor do I know anyone who works for Groovebook and I am not getting paid or sponsored in anyway for saying this and I am not even getting any free Groovebooks for saying this but if I were a more savvy customer, I am sure that I would be...but with my Groovebooks they do send me a coupon for my friends to get their FREE Groovebook...go figure...so have at it.  If I can't get a free book, you sure should.   I might have to speak with them about this, though. I could not have conquered this feat without this app.  26 Groovebooks equals 2600 photos for only $2.99 (no tax) per 100 photos which equals $0.03 per picture!!! just about $78 total for 2600 photos and that includes shipping. Compare this to $0.17 cents at Walmart or Costco and you can not reasonably dream up a better deal than this.  Compact. Great quality. Great price. Great idea. I'm hooked.

Downloading: Once upon a time, I had read that it is a good idea to backup photos in three different ways.  Well, I didn't stop at three.  So, again, I am also not getting compensated by Dropbox for saying this (but I am starting to think I should consider how to get compensated for saying this)...I could not have completed the downloading process in a timely and stress-free way without Dropbox.  I received 50GB of free cloud space when I opened an account and jumped through a few little non-invasive hoops and now my photos are also backed up safely in the clouds and synched with my phone and filed on my computer.  Voila!

From the Dropbox account on my desktop, I was able to very quickly backup my backups on an 8GB memory stick.  And my photos are safe and sound x 4 if you don't count the photos that are also backed up on Facebook.  All in about 30 minutes!!!  

Moving Forward: I am awaiting the arrival of my last 4 Groovebooks and I was going to wait until they arrived before clearing my phone but I am pretty confident that if they do not arrive, I will have them on my computer... if they are not on my computer, they are in the clouds...if the clouds evaporate, I have my memory stick...and if I lose all of those backup photos, well, then it is just not meant to be and I will have to rely on my own memory...so, delete I did.  I feel lighter. I feel free.

From here on out I will have a new photo motto: Less is more. I just cannot imagine ever having to go through this again.  My goal is to only print 2 Groovebooks a year...maximum. That is 16 photos per month...maximum... and should be more than plenty of wiggle room now that I have learned my lesson...the hard way. I am going to go for quality over quantity.  I am going to dedicate 10 minutes a week, give or take, to deleting photos and organizing folders.  If I take a picture that is just to share on social media or my blog and I have no intentions of ever printing this photo or wanting to reference it in the future, it will be deleted. I don't have to worry about photos disappearing from my phone because every photo I take will be automatically sent to the glorious cloud.  That whole cloud idea is a little scary but I have decided that I am going to focus on the silver lining.


1st of what will be at least 12 Volunteering Adventures

This month I had countless amazing experiences and adventures and only photographically recorded one event with two photos.  The only reason I got approval to take these photos was because it was for our next experiment: 12 Good Deeds in 12 Months-An Experiment in Giving Back...more to come on that in a future post.

We helped rebuild a Community Garden in Dania Beach

 










Final Note on Part 1: I went from taking 144.25 photos per month to taking 2.  I did it. It felt liberating. Each time I experienced a photo worthy moment, I had to just take a moment, take a breath and do my best to capture and savor that moment in my own memory...my memory with zero gigabytes but seemingly limitless amounts of space.  If you want to know about those moments, just ask me about them...I will be happy to share.

PART II: PHONE-LESS

Where to begin...this was harder than being photo-free and as such I was far less successful.  My daughter is right.  The world is a different place.  We all rely on our phones, the internet, and social media to stay abreast of what is happening with our friends, family, neighbors, community, and even the rest of the world.  First, I have to say that in order to even come remotely close to achieving anything that resembled success, I had to leave my phone at home... a lot...especially at first. By the end of the experiment, I realized I wasn't even thinking about my phone nearly as much and would often forget it at home. I will divide this up into sections in order of difficulty:  GPS, Internet, Social Media, Texting, Calling.

GPS: I love my free Google Maps app.  I only used it once to get to a new library and another time when I was heading out to Miami.  Trust me, you need all the help you can get when you are driving to Miami...it was absolutely necessary.

Internet: I am an internet junkie.  If a question, any question, pops into my head, I "google" it.  This was an incredibly challenging habit to break.  Sometimes, I would wait until I got home to use my desktop and when I did use my phone for the internet, I tried really, really hard to only look things up that were absolutely necessary, like, when is the new Trader Joes opening up?...okay, so I slipped a few times...only 8 times that I counted. I did keep a tally.  Save the judgment, for later, because it gets worse.

Social Media: Thank goodness, the only social media outlet I use is Facebook.  I do not even have a Pinterest Account, or a Twitter account, or an Instagram account.  However, when I say I ONLY use Facebook, what I really mean is that I used Facebook daily.  When I say daily, what I really mean is that I used Facebook multiple times a day.  I would peek, post, comment, or like whenever I had a few spare moments.  I probably took more Facebook breaks than a smoker takes smoke breaks.  I don't even want to think about how much time I spent on Facebook prior to this experiment.  It never felt like a waste of time, though.  It didn't occur to me how much I relied on Facebook to fill spare moments until I went without. 

I would pick up my phone to check the time and without thinking? tap the Facebook app. I would see my wall and screech when I realized what I had done and quickly exit.  I did this more than a few times.  I would always quickly exit and never once did I post but it was eye-opening to realize what a mindless habit Facebook had become.  Just like a smoker or a drinker or an overeater has to find something else to fill those spare moments, so did I.  To name a few filler activities...I had my photo dilemma to deal with which was one of the few approved phone activities, I had to stash magazines and a book in the car for those long carpool waits, I would clean out my purse, sweep the floors, clean out a drawer, do a few squats, browse through cookbooks, talk to a complete stranger (imagine that), and admire my surroundings. 

As with the photos, I often thought about how fun it would be to share some of our month's adventures but I had to bite my tongue, committing our stories to memories.  I also really missed keeping up-to-date on friends, family, and the crazy world around us.  I felt more connected to those immediately near me but so far from those who are at a distance.  Distance does make the heart grow fonder. 

Texting: Oh, texting.  It's the way of the world.  I tried.  I really did.  I'll just spit it out.  I sent out 33 texts.  Mostly to my husband.  We had some crazy events happen in our city, you know...a bomb threat at the local high school, crazy sex education material handed out to middle schoolers...you know...the usual, so the group texting was out of control.  I read many texts but still only sent out a few.  I had to respond to nervous friends and family about how I was doing because it seemed like I had fallen off the face of the earth.  And lastly, I have become the designated Common Core Math Decoder in our neighborhood, so, I received a few "please help" texts which I felt obliged to respond to...via text.  So, I feel like the area that I had the least success in was in texting but 33 texts is a reduction from 82 a month. I still can't believe I ever sent out that many texts. I started out calling my husband instead of texting him but after a few "you called me for that?", said in a tone that sounded like, "I'm sorry, I don't speak that speaking language.", I realized that texting has become his first and preferred language. It made me a bit sad but I think I have to accept it.  Instead of texting him, unless it required immediate attention, I would often just make a note and talk about it with him when he got home.

 
Moving Forward: I will be leaving my phone home more often.  I have no real desire to return to using my phone mindlessly or habitually. I commit to no longer using it so mindlessly, and honestly, I have replaced one habit with lots of other little positive filler habits, so, one day I may have to give up cleaning out my purse or giving myself a mini-mani in the car and all of those fellow customers will be wishing I would get back on my phone and stop talking to the cashier but I like my new filler habits for now. It is important to note, Sierra noticed that I was on my phone much less and slipped and said that she liked it.  This is important information to remember for later.

PART III: LESS TECH

Something else happened during this month that took up so much of my time that I really had very little left for anything else: MIDDLE SCHOOL.  The daughter that inspired this crazy experiment entered middle school this year.  At Open House, one of her teachers greeted the parents with, "Welcome to Middle School. Say good-bye to life as you know it, your life will never be the same."
All of the parents hesitantly chuckled.  How right she was!!!  As if middle school wasn't going to be enough of a time-consuming, life-changing milestone, my daughter did so well in elementary school that she was rewarded with crazy challenging classes and insane levels of homework. Oh, and we started fall volleyball league. Our life was turned upside down this month as the teachers really let loose with homework and projects and practices are in full force. It doesn't help that my little one started a new program at school and has at least double the amount of projects and homework as she did last year. I had no idea when I started this experiment...or maybe subconsciously, I did... but this experiment couldn't have come at a more perfect time.  I had no time for emails, TV, much less time for internet and Facebook.  It's been a crazy amazing whirlwind.  Most days we have watched zero hours of TV, I sent out a few emails but read few, and we are just starting to crack the homework code, so, I imagine that I just won't have that much time for much else for a little while longer. When I say, "a little while longer", I am being totally optimistic. 

With that, I have watched mostly HGTV because it is the only thing that you can turn on for 10 minutes at 10pm and fall asleep and not feel bad for missing anything.  I just recently started watching The Voice when I can squeeze it in. My life feels so full but I do miss that feeling of relief that the kids' bedtime brings, that time when I would decompress with a fun show and a little internet browsing.

Moving forward: Same as the previous parts of this experiment.  Less is more...as if I have a choice at the moment.  Now, if only I could figure out how to declutter my schedule...another experiment perhaps? later.


CONCLUSION:

I don't think it was a complete random occurrence that I chose to do this experiment at this time in my life.  I thought I was doing it to curb a photo obsession, to empathize with my "phone-deprived" daughter, but it ended up being just what I needed at this time in my life.  Funny how that works.

However, because part of the inspiration for this experiment was, in fact, my "phone-deprived" daughter, I wanted to address that issue.  She still does not have a smart phone.  She did enjoy that I was not on my phone as much and this was important because while I was having my own deprivations, tribulations, and revelations, she was asked not to ask for a phone and later was asked to consider how she felt about my reduced usage as she did her assignment.  She was asked to write up a smart phone contract with rules that we could all agree on and that my husband and I could make amendments to. She was also asked to think about why she wanted a phone, if she needed a phone, and for what non-social purposes she would use a smart phone. If she didn't want to pay for the phone all on her own, she was asked to come up with an amount that she would contribute and asked if she would agree to pay a portion of her allowance toward monthly services.  She initially protested but ultimately and keenly saw this as a positive sign that she will be getting a smart phone in the, probably not so distant, future. I was so absolutely proud of her. She stopped asking for a phone (pretty much) and actually told me that she felt better about it once she stopped asking, well, what she actually said was...she realized that talking about her lack of a smart phone made her feel bad about not having one. Once she stopped asking, she didn't feel so bad...but...BUT...she still wanted one (so there was no misunderstanding). I'll take that as a sign of growth.  Also, she wrote up a beautiful set of rules and left her dad and I plenty of space for amendments.  Smart girl. She handed us $50 and said she would pay $50 more if we wanted and agreed to pay $5 a month toward the family service plan.  It is so utterly refreshing to see how much she has grown along with me in the last 30 days.    

A Few Contract Highlights:

• I can use it when I am done with my homework or on homework break before 6pm on weekdays.
• I can use it for 1.5 hours a day on weekends.
• I can take it to school but can only use it in class if teacher allows.
• I will keep it downstairs when I go to sleep.
• Mommy and Daddy can review history.
• Must answer phone/text from parents.
• Follow considerate and self-respectful photo and video manners. 
• No Instragram, etc, while in Middle School

Items that we will all try to adhere to:

• No phone at dinner or anytime we are engaged with real people and yes, your sister and the grocery store cashier are real people. 
• Phones away after 7pm
• No phone before school.

A Few of Her Non-Social Justifications for wanting a smart phone:

• We can scan the textbooks for additional problems and activities (this is true)
• Almost all of my homework is online and a smart phone would make it easier to do it online and when we are out of town for volleyball or vacation. (this is true)
• We can't bring home textbooks but they are all online and I can study wherever we go or look up questions or help others. (this is true)

And there were a few more items, but you get the idea. I could not argue with her non-social justifications. In fact, at open house, the teachers warned us that the school was becoming increasingly more reliant on the kids having portable technology. So, the world is changing whether we want to change with it or not.  We titled the contract: Smart Phone Contract, Middle School Edition.  We will revisit the contract when she enters high school. She signed the contract but Mike and I are waiting until we actually hand the phone over to her.  We want to make sure we have covered all of the bases before we let our baby girl enter the smart phone world.  I am happy to have my full smart phone access back and I want her to enjoy the access as well...in due time.  I am completely aware that she still just wants a phone, but I am so grateful she begged for a phone so much that we were able to have this month cleared of distraction and were able to grow together.

All things happen for a reason...

Photo-FREE, Phone-LESS and LESS-Tech for 30 Days

Every experiment begins with a problem...

PART I: PHOTO-FREE

It all began when I was helping one of my daughters with her social studies project.  She was asked to puzzle together a photographic timeline.  This timeline had to consist of 15 significant events across the span of her life thus far.  In order to receive a top mark, she had to include a representative picture with each of the 15 events. We had 11 years to work with and she was so excited because she knew that I photographed every significant moment in her life. 15 photos should be a piece of cake. When we sat down to search through photos for project material, something became glaringly apparent.  I photograph every moment of our lives, significant or otherwise.  I love taking pictures.  The good thing about this is that I have pictures of everything. The bad thing about this is? I have pictures of everything.  When you have pictures of everything, it can take a very long time to find the picture of that "one birthday" or that "single event", and even when you do find that one single event, the selection process is difficult because you have dozens and dozens of pictures to choose from for that one single event.  We all took a break from what now became the draining activity of finding pictures, we stood back, looked at all of the albums (and the picture only shows half of them), and all of the 2000+ pictures I have on the computer and phone and one of the girls said, "Mom.  Do you ever think that you might take too many photos?  Isn't 2000 photos too many?" 

 It sounded like the beginning of an intervention.  This experiment is as much a self-intervention as it is just an experiment.  I am not a collector of things.  I have the opposite problem of hoarding, I have a compulsion to let things go. I don't like to keep things.  If there is not a place for an item, I get rid of it.  If I don't have a free shelf or drawer, I need to purge. I am constantly de-cluttering stuff but I can't get rid of photos.  Not only can I not get rid of them but I feel the need to print all of the photos I take because ultimately, I do not fully trust the clouds and the little tiny memory cards and microchips to store my memories forever, but I need to learn to take less pictures.  Otherwise, I will be that person on the news who is buried in photos.  I need to purge some of my digital photos.  I can't purge photos if I am constantly taking them. Can I go 30 days without taking a single picture?  I'm sure I can, but what will that feel like?  Therein lies the experiment.

My parameters: No pictures. UNLESS, it is medically necessary or necessary to document something for legal reasons, or some other very unusual event that requires photographic documentation.  I cannot take pictures of sunsets, beautiful clouds, turtles crossing the street, my kids and their newest adventures in the kitchen, their newest clever creations, their beautifulness.  I cannot take a picture of our adventures or the crazy mess my dogs make, the scrumptious new meal I made, or the best cup of café con leche on this side of South Florida. I cannot take pictures of my yard, or the serenity of the ocean or anything...for 30 days.  Just 30 days. No, I cannot take pictures to share with others the ordinary, extraordinary, or completely unordinary moments of my life.  I have to keep these moments to myself, in my memory alone. I can write about them in a journal, drawing a picture only with words, only for me. I must use this time to delete photos and finish printing the consolidated library. I am already having anxiety about this experiment.  and then this happened...

PART II: PHONE-LESS

First, I have to say that just one child brought about this three part experiment.  Just one child can create the in-your-face moment that brings about the need to experiment with your memories and your own phone dependency.  My oldest just entered middle school.  Apparently, "EVERYONE! EVERYONE!" in middle school has a phone.  Now, I know this is absolutely not true because I pick up one of her friends every day and this friend is also part of the "No Phone Club". My daughter's rebuttal, "EVERYONE besides me and (friend) have a phone." This is also not true but you see where her mind is. And by phone, I mean smart phone.  My daughter has a TracFone, oh, but please don't tell anyone because she tells me it is MORE embarrassing to have a pay-as-you-go-flip TracFone than it is not to have a phone at all.  She tells me that she hopes there is never an emergency because she hopes she never has to take that phone out...ever! 

I explain to her, I understand that a lot of kids have phones but I want her to get her bearings in middle school before I saddled her with one of the most time-wasting pieces of technology to ever be invented...ever!  I consider the delay in gratification to be a gift, an opportunity, she considers it a curse.  I want her to learn what she has in common with people, to learn about people's characters and hobbies before they become texting friends and then maybe that is all they will have in common...ever!  I want her to learn how to carry herself before she assumes the smart phone slouch. I just want her to have more free time.  Is this so horrible?  To her, yes, it is.  I heard the words that I used to say to my mother, "You just don't understand."  I told her I DID understand but I still feel strongly that we should wait for a while longer.  What I didn't tell her was that her Dad and I had talked privately about seeing how her first semester goes in middle school and then possibly getting her a "real" phone half way through this year.  She has only been in middle school for two weeks and we have had the smart phone talk almost every single day.  I told her it had to stop.  She can't wear me down (but I feel worn down).  I told her she has to take a break from sulking about it and asking us about it every day.  She said, "Maybe you would understand if you didn't have a phone or even if you couldn't use your phone to text people or see them on facebook.  It's the way everyone talks now, Mom. you just don't get it."  I do get it but I think they start this "tech talking" too early and they forget how to really talk, too early.  However, I do not want to talk about her smart phone deprivation everyday and she did make a very good point about my phone dependency.  So, I proposed an idea to her. 

Will she stop hounding us for a smart phone if I use my phone less for a month, to see what it might feel like to be her.  I have only had a smart phone for a few years and super smart phone for only a few months but I might have forgotten what it was like to not have a smart phone at all.  "How much less?", she asks. 

My parameters: I will only use my phone in the capacity I have asked her to use her Tracfone. I will only use my phone for emergencies.  I will not check my emails from my phone.  I will not use my phone for the internet, or facebook.  I can check texts but can only respond to emergencies or carpool notices. Everything else will have to wait until I can get to a computer or to my home phone. Right now, I am very thankful I never did get started on Instagram, or Pinterest, or Twitter, or any other social media outlets.  I do not play games on my phone and I am already vowing not to take pictures for 30 days.  Actually, opting out of full phone usage for a month will make the photo-free part of this experiment that much easier.  I can use my phone to delete photos and can use only one app...Groovebook...to print photobooks after I have fully consolidated my photo library by at least a third. I have anxiety about the texting responses because, she is right, this is the way people communicate now.  This is the way friends let you know there is a spontaneous get together or there is something you need to bring to the meeting, or the way they let you know that they will be late for pick-up or drop-off.  It is, sadly, even the best way to reach my husband. Texting is fast, easy, silent, and efficient. I already know texting will be the most challenging part of this experiment for me.  I will run the risk of seeming rude but I will do it to try to empathize with my daughter. 

PART III: LESS TECH

While I am going photo-free and phone-less, I might as well just cut back on technology altogether.  It will be like a cleansing of sorts.  Why? Why not?

My parameters: I can only check emails twice a day.  I can use my computer to pay bills as the arrive.  I can use the internet to find directions or help kids with their homework.  I can only watch one hour of TV per day.  TV will be easy.  The internet will be a great big ugly challenge.  I love the internet.  The internet is where I find my news, where I research things to do or new recipe inspiration.  Now, I will have rely on mainstream newspapers, my dusty old cookbooks, and Fodor's, and the library.   I could just opt out of keeping current on news, I could just cook by heart, and I could just find things to do by word-of-mouth, by just getting in the car and driving... the old school way.  I won't be able to share my life on Facebook.  Back to journaling I go...Should be interesting...

Accountability: My youngest daughter is in charge of monitoring my adherence to these parameters.  She is a tough cookie and will no doubt hold me accountable. If I am caught taking pictures or using technology or my phone outside of these parameters, she will issue me a ticket.  I don't know what the fine is but I don't plan on finding out.

This experiment is going to be an experiment in prioritizing, de-cluttering, letting go, delayed gratification, and empathy. Wish me luck.









I cured my Vitamin D deficiency with Sunshine and Sardines...

Once upon a time, about 3 years ago, I was feeling rather icky.  I felt tired. I felt twitchy. I was moody. None of this bothered me, until I was having repeated episodes of tired twitchy muscles.  I went to the doctor very concerned.  The doctor ran some blood tests.  My tests came back clear except for one thing.  My Vitamin D.  The doctor told me my Vitamin D was at 35 which could cause all of my symptoms.  My Vitamin D should be between 51 and 90 or so.  I asked, "How does that happen?  What can I do?"

 I was told,  "This happens to...well...to...women of a certain age."  Women of a certain age?  What certain age would that be?  "Women YOUR age. Women heading into middle age."  Well, I was nearing forty, but to hear that I was now in the category of "women of a certain age" was startling.  Now that the doctor dropped THAT bombshell, I started to realize that "this just happens" really wasn't enough of an answer for me.  I wanted to know why I was Vitamin D deficient and how could I fix it.

I was told, basically, my body is beginning to degenerate (age) and that my body, as I "continue to age" (are you sensing a theme) will just become less efficient at absorbing Vitamin D. I will have to work harder to help that process along and consume more Vitamin D.  The doctor advised me to sit outside for 30 minutes a day without sunscreen and with little clothes on, preferably in a bathing suit for the sake of the neighbors, to absorb direct sunlight.  The doctor also advised me to start taking 2000mg of Vitamin D3, twice a day via supplement, every single day...forever...or until my number came back into range consistently, but I would probably have to be on a supplement forever because that is what "women your age" tend to need.

So, I did what the doctor ordered.  Well, okay,  I kind of did what the doctor ordered.  Well, okay, I am just not very good at remembering to take supplements but I did do the whole sunlight therapy on a pretty consistent basis.  I went back after a year and of course, my number was still not in range.  I started to take the supplements more regularly and continued the sunlight therapy when there was sunlight to absorb.  I lived in Texas, at this time, and Texas is very generous in the sunlight department.  I went back a year later and this time, my number was lower.  My number was now 29. This made absolutley no sense. Something just wasn't working. Or maybe I was just getting older and this was just going to get worse? Then I moved.


I moved to South Florida.  During the move, I was distracted and stopped taking my supplements. When I finally found a physician in South Florida, I had my records transferred.  I went in for my physical and of course, they ran all of the normal tests that they run for "women of a certain age". When the doctor mentioned the blood test for Vitamin D and a number of other things, I thought, "Oh no!!! Vitamin D!  I completely forgot I was supposed to be taking that!"

When I went in to review my test results, everything came back normal.  Everything. My Vitamin D levels were, now, well within normal range at 64. When I asked for a third time, "Are you sure?  My Vitamin D levels are normal?", the doctor asked me if I was still taking my supplements. I sheepishly said,  no. "Well, what have you been doing differently".  I pondered this for a while. "I started eating better and I am at the beach or outside much much more."    She seemed content with this answer. "Well, keep eating what you are eating and stay in South Florida. It's working."   No more supplements but we'll continue to monitor it every year.

I was shocked. I started to research natural methods for obtaining Vitamin D.  Of course, sunlight is the best source of Vitamin D and I DID move to the sunshine state. I learned that even SPF as low as 8 can significantly reduce your Vitamin D absorption and so the sunscreen-craze could be leading to more Vitamin D deficiency.  All that beach time paid off with more than a nice tan. And it turned out that a lot of the new food I was consuming happened to be on the list of Vitamin D superfoods.   I was eating more eggs and salmon.  Believe it or not, I started to fall in love with sardines, eating sardines almost daily. Yes, it is possible.  I recommend sardines in tomato sauce. I was making kale and spinach smoothies. I was back to putting flax seed in everything and cooking everything in olive oil.  In an effort to eat less meat, I had started using mushrooms and white beans more.  As it was sinking in, I realized,  I could not remember the last time I had felt that weird tired twitchy muscle feeling.

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I am not a nutritionist, a doctor, a dietician, or in any way, qualified to make this declaration, but I will: I cured my Vitamin D deficiency with sunshine and sardines, among a few other things.

The Chore Swap- He said. She said. The end? Cheers!

He said.

 

(Mike sent me this email. He is much more concise and to the point than I am.) "I, first off, wanted to say that I am very impressed with the work that you have done in the yard over this past month.  I know that it isn’t easy and the weather was very hot and humid. You hung in there like a trooper and kept the yard looking good….nice work to you. As far as doing the house work for this past month, I am ready to swap back.  It isn’t that the work is as physically challenging as the yard work, but it is constant work.  Especially, since we have the 2 dogs and the 2 kids that love to make messes, it seems like it never ends.  I definitely think you do a better job than I do as you are much more disciplined and just have a better eye for the details in our house.  I appreciate your organization that you have provided this family.  I really enjoy coming home to a clean house and that has always been a big thanks to you. So, I surrender to you and ask that we switch back now.  I would rather sweat it out outside doing some good ol' yard work than to take on the full responsibilities of maintaining our household."

 

She said.

Did he say, "I surrender"?  Just making sure I read that correctly. Okay, I will stop gloating.  I have to say,  I am impressed with the work that he did do.  Even though he didn't do my chores as often as I do, when he did them, he did a good job.  On the last day, he scrambled around the house, and did his best to leave the house just as he had found it when we started this experiment one month ago.  As for me?  I am so excited to swap back.  Let's just say, if someone asked me if I would rather...clean up a yard full of dog poop or clean a house full of toilets? I would choose toilets. I completely underestimated the physical exertion that yard work entails.  I spend hours doing indoor chores and never...EVER...have my arms felt like noodles, not even when I do a speed clean.  I never reached my 1 hour completion goal but I did get close.  One time I finished mowing and edging in one hour and fifteen minutes. 

I can remember my frustration when Mike used to do the yard work.  It would take him a couple of hours and THEN he would have to rest and THEN he would have to shower and THEN he just seemed tired for a while after that.  It would seem like the whole day was lost to the yard.  I didn't really understand.  Now, I understand that even though the hardest labor of mowing and edging only takes about 1.5 hours, there is the pre-work (picking up poo, toys, loading batteries, etc.), clean up of tools and self, sometimes weeding, sometimes hedging, and then...there are noodle arms. When I was done, I always savored the refreshment time, whether it be a beer, water, or a dip in the pool.  I needed that resting time. With the humidity, I needed a shower and it was a courtesy to the world that I take a shower. The process of cleaning up the tools and the debri always took another 30 minutes or so, and then the rest time and shower took up another hour, AT LEAST.  So, the bulk of the yard work only has to be done once a week but it is a 3 hour endeavor, minimum. I can see why someone would procrastinate.

 

I am also excited to swap back because I am just ready to get back to cleaning and organizing my home.  It is therapeutic for me.  I enjoy the solitude of it and I enjoy the cleansing feeling that it gives me, a feeling of starting fresh.  However, Mike's modifications to the amount of times I do my chores made me think that I work too hard. Or that I might have a cleaning compulsion. I don't need to do as much as I do.  I was only mildly uncomfortable with his standard of what "clean" is.  I thank him for teaching me that. Also, I did notice that Mike helped out more with keeping the kids on track with their chores and he helped out a lot more with the cooking.  The kids were dumbfounded and wanted to know what I did to him as they were not too fond of his newfound interest in how few chores they did willingly.  I thank him for this as well.  I love the unexpected findings of this experiment.

 

The End?

 

As with any chore, monotony and tedium are the biggest drawbacks, both for indoor chores and outdoor chores. So, moving forward, we will approach chores differently.  I will continue to clean the entire house once a week (for my own sake).  I will dust twice a week.  The rest of the duplication will be put into a chore jar.  Mike will mow and edge once a week. He will hedge once a month or as needed. I will help Mike with edging twice a month and hedging and "beautification"  a month or even with mowing when I have time to spare or he is out of town.  Weeding and picking up of dog poo will be going in the chore jar.  All four of us, will each choose 5 chores per week from the chore jar. Mike's number of chores will be adjusted based on how many days of the week he will be in town. The girls and I will adjust ours based on our schedules as needed.  This may mean we will have to double or triple up before we leave town or have a crazy busy week.  We have survived more traumatic scenarios in our little lives. We will all take our turns picking up poo, weeding, cleaning toilets, cleaning up yard debri, sweeping up dog hair, washing towels, and more...Family-style.  The girls are not terrible excited about this but Mom and Dad are.  2 out of 4 isn't so bad? The Chore Swap resulted in the Chore Jar.  Can't wait to get started!

 

And that's concludes the Chore Swap...we survived! CHEERS!!! 

 

The Chore Swap- Why DIY?

With so many opportunities to hire professionals these days, why do we take the DIY route to housekeeping and yardwork?  I ask myself this question all of the time, especially when we become crazy busy with the kids' activities, or I just feel like there are so many other things I would rather be doing, or when Mike seems to be traveling nonstop and the yard begins to look like a jungle. Why don't we just hire professionals to come to our rescue? Believe me, we have.  Once upon a time, I was in the corporate world.  I hired a housecleaning professional to help me make the house a haven, so I could come home to rest instead of just do more work.  With my husband's career, we have moved a number of times.  Each time we move, I find a professional housecleaner to help keep the house "show-ready", inside and out, while it's on the market.  Once we settle into our new home, I seek the help of a professional once again, to help me clean while I am unpacking and organizing and making our house a home. I let them know it is temporary and after a few months, I am on my own. Each time we move, Mike decides that THIS is the time he is going to do the yardwork all by himself.  Usually, this lasts just about 2 months and then we decide he needs help.  This move was no different, except this time, we ran into a few hiccups when we had landscapers take over and recently, we have decided to promote different values in our home.  So, why have we taken the DIY route?

1. If you want something done right AND for the right price... Sometimes you just have to do it yourself.  When we moved to Florida, we were incredibly busy and yardwork was just not going to be high on the priority list.  However, we have a mostly low maintenance, indigenous landscape and so, we really only needed help with the lawn and some periodic weeding. We went through a few services because they hacked our beautiful natural and lush plants and trees and turned them into perfectly manicured little balls and twigs, even after we were very clear that we only wanted lawn service. We could not find another service that would adjust their price for "lawn only". It just wasn't worth their time. We didn't want to pay for services we did not want or need and they did not want to accept less, so, we were on our own.

2. Practicality.  We have decided to make practicality a value in our home.  Why spend the extra money on a service when it is something that we can do or learn to do ourselves?  We will not take on duct cleaning or roof repairs, but we decided to start with things like landscaping, housecleaning, garbage disposal replacing, handyman type stuff, and we are adding things to this list all of the time.  We are not the handiest people in the world but we are learning.


3. Time.  I'm a stay-at-home mom by choice and I have extra time...on purpose.  When I was a part of the corporate world, Mike and I were rarely home and our lives were somewhat scattered.  Mike is in the restaurant industry and the hours and travel schedule is unpredictable and relentless.  I was a brand marketing professional with an increasingly demanding travel schedule as well.  I had my first child and just knew that the only way to continue my career was going to be to hire a nanny and that just didn't interest me.  I wanted to be the primary caretaker of my child and my family. It was a choice. Every time I have attempted to re-enter the rat race, I am reminded of why I left. I wanted to simplify my life.  Now, I have time.  So, I clean my own house.  It's not my favorite thing to do but I do it. I enjoy the routine, the order, and the way that it slows me down and forces me to stay home for a few hours because for being a stay-at-home mom, I am rarely ever home.
 
4. Role Modeling.  We want our kids growing up to see us "doing" things, not hiring people to do things.  Of course, when they become adults, they can make their own choices, but for now, we would like to do our best to reasonably role model practicality, initiative, and ingenuity.  We don't want them to grow up seeing us hire-out for everything and then expecting that this is how the world works.  Learn to do what you can, for yourself.  Sometimes, we all need help, though.  We want to role model humility as well, and so, we have no problem admitting when we might need help with something, like changing entry locks or faucet fixtures.  Oh, the funny stories I could tell.  But we want to show them that we tried to help ourselves first.

5. Work Ethic, Personal Responsibility, Pride of Ownership.  We want to instill a strong work ethic in our kids, and a strong sense of personal responsibility, as well as a pride of ownership.  We do not want to hire people to do everything for us and for our kids and then have them leave the nest not knowing how to fend for themselves or looking around for someone else to do everything for them.  We want them to learn how to take care of their own messes and to take pride in themselves and those things that they work hard to provide for themselves.  Those values start at home, and are up to them to carry on.  If they make a mess, they need to clean it up.  They need to help take care of their room, their clothes, their bathroom, their yard, their dogs, and their house.  It is all of our responsibilities. When we do a chore, it isn't always fun but we learn to do it because it needs to be done. If there ever comes a time when we do hire, we all still have chores that we do to bridge the gap.  So, the kids are learning to vacuum, wash cars, do laundry, clean windows, clean bathtubs and toilets.  We are always working on graciousness and patience. When we send our kids into the real world, our hope is that they will take pride in their work, even the boring, tedious, dirty parts. We hope they will be role models of personal responsibility and be more than capable and confident in how to take care of themselves and their place of residence, even if their first residence is a dorm room.


These are our reasons for taking the DIY chore route.  I will not rule out ever seeking help to ease the daily load but for now, this is our plan.  It isn't always pretty.  Our house isn't always the shiniest.  Our lawn isn't always the most perfectly maintained but we manage.  As part of this experiment, I have decided that we need to focus on a few more values: teamwork and conscientiousness.  We have a family chore chart. My kids are very focused on doing their chores but ONLY THEIR chores.  They don't really look for ways or take initiative to help out with a task if it is not on their chore list.  So, we need to work on doing chores more family-style and I have a few ideas on how to make that happen.  But that's for another post... until later... Keep Calm and DO YOUR CHORES!